Following his divorce last September, Brad Pitt opens up for the first time about dealing with his breakup with Angelina Jolie and fatherhood, among other things.

In a coverstory for GQ, the 53-year-old actor admits to drinking daily since college and how the split has changed him. Today, he says he drinks cranberry juice and fizzy water.

“I do remember a few spots along the road where I’ve become absolutely tired of myself. And this is a big one. These moments have always been a huge generator for change,” Pitt tells the mag. “And I’m quite grateful for it. But me, personally, I can’t remember a day since I got out of college when I wasn’t boozing or had a spliff, or something. Something. And you realize that a lot of it is, um — cigarettes, you know, pacifiers. And I’m running from feelings.”

“I’m really, really happy to be done with all of that,” he continues. “I mean I stopped everything except boozing when I started my family. But even this last year, you know — things I wasn’t dealing with. I was boozing too much. It’s just become a problem. And I’m really happy it’s been half a year now, which is bittersweet, but I’ve got my feelings in my fingertips again. I think that’s part of the human challenge: You either deny them all of your life or you answer them and evolve.”

Later in the piece, Pitt admits that he hasn’t been a very good father to his children, but realizes it now and wants to do better.

“I grew up with a Father-knows-best/war mentality—the father is all-powerful, super strong—instead of really knowing the man and his own self-doubt and struggles. And it’s hit me smack in the face with our divorce: I gotta be more. I gotta be more for them. I have to show them. And I haven’t been great at it.”

Read the full piece over at GQ.com.